Friday, March 6, 2009

I want to be let back in the house.

"Well, should I get married, should I be good, should I astound the girl next door with my velvet suit and my faustushood and not take her to movies but to cemeteries and tell her stories of werewolf tongues and four clarinets..."-Troy (Reality Bites)

I'm not entirely convinced I would be the protagonist in the movie of my life. I don't know. That sounds weird but I think I've always sort of seen myself as more of a sidekick. But if my life were a movie not entirely of my choosing it might most closely resemble Reality Bites (however, were I to pick, I'd opt to star in The Science of Sleep, for the record).

This is telling both of my admittedly terrible, terrible taste in movies and of my clearly self-involved bullshit angst. I'd request you not judge me but let's be realistic.

I just feel like I'm at the point in the reel where Lelaina is hanging out on her couch all day (only in my case "all day" translates into "for years"). Not insomuch as I'm feeling all woe-is-me sorry for myself (because I'm not, really) but this is not where I thought I'd be. (And please don't quote the whole "life is what happens when you're busy making plans," because I KNOW, I know.)

And I'm usually pretty okay with just sitting back and enjoying the ride but sometimes I hit that "what the hell am I even doing?!" road bump of a quarterlife crisis and I don't have someone like Ethan Hawke around to spout pseudo-intellectual cliches like "the only thing you need to be by the age of 23 (or 25) is yourself" and remind me that the only things I need are "a cup of coffee, and a little bit of conversation...You and me and five bucks."

Which is not to say that I want someone to come along and save me. I don't. That is very much not what I am looking for. I never really wanted to be the princess as a child even though I had the dress (it was a super cute Halloween costume one year). I wanted to be Atalanta. Don't Google it. My understanding of her at the time was based on the "Free to Be, You and Me" book/tape. And basically the only relevant part is that she was pretty clever. So when her father held a race with the thought of marrying her off to the winner, she entered and then spent that afternoon hanging out with the only guy who matched her pace. Afterward they both took off separately to explore the world. Also, she got to ride a horse and I was pretty keen on that as a kid.

I think I'm mixing my metaphors. Certainly I'm digressing.

I get that we're all supposed to identify with Lelaina. She's the protagonist, after all. She's like the character of Mark from Rent. Maybe the challenge is also being Troy at the same time. Maybe we're supposed to be sort of assholes to ourselves and push our own buttons and fail a bit and then turn around and be awkwardly, hesitantly gallant to ourselves when we really fuck up and get lost. Ok, I don't know, the argument all sort of breaks apart when Lelaina and Troy hook up. Or maybe that part demonstrates how sometimes we inevitably but unintentionally fuck ourselves over and it's okay to forgive it when it happens. Or maybe it doesn't. I like to read too far into things. I'm kind of tired and this probably makes no sense except in my own head where sometimes buildings look like robots and the made up stories are the most telling truths.

I guess I'm just trying to say I'm sorry if I've been a little bit "blargh" recently. I'll get over it. I'll figure it out or it'll figure itself out and either way I'll laugh at my own ridiculousness very soon. Rinse and repeat.

"What happened is that um, I kinda got this arcane glimpse of the universe and the best thing I can say about that is... I don't know."-Troy (Reality Bites)

Maybe let us never speak of this entry again.

No comments: