Stolen Bikes Ride Faster

(subtitled: But You Get No Where with Your Bike Locked to Your Porch, True Story)

Bike Incident '09 is OVER!

I am not really good with bikes. I mean, I can usually navigate them from point A to point B and I generally get on with them well enough as long as I don't have to do anything mechanical. Maybe it's that I'm not really a mechanical person. But I think the bigger issue is bikes.

Case Study A: It took me forever to learn how to ride. Or at least, that's the way I remember it. Like any young tot, I excelled when there were three or four wheels in contact with the ground (tricycles and training wheels respectively). However, when it was time for the superfluous wheels to come off, I found them rather...necessary. I fell a LOT. And I was learning how to ride on a gravel driveway. So...OUCH.

Case Study B: For my...11th, I think...birthday I specifically stated that I wanted anything EXCEPT for a bike. So of course my gift was going to the store and picking out a bicycle and a helmet. It turned out well enough, I had that fancy mountain bike for years even after downgrading to a used street bike. On the other hand, while living in Madison, bike number two was stolen piece by piece. C'est la guerre (the bike guerre anyway).

Case Study C: In lieu of replacing a broken pedal on bike three (aforementioned used street bike, belonged to my mom when she was young so it was "vintage" - read OLD) I opted to get around town hoping my foot wouldn't slip off the pedal post. And later, when taken to a bike shop to repair the broken brakes yet again, I was summarily informed the mechanic could spend a whole day working on the bike and still have plenty of repairs left. Whatever, just because a bike HAS gears doesn't mean you have to USE them.

Also, a confession, I've only once taken a bike to a shop for a tune up, and that was in Middle School. If it isn't broken... And by broken I mean completely impedes the bicycle's intended purpose (locomotion)....

So, the spring after moving to Chicago I finally bought a new used bike. And I love that bike. We've been through some tough times, like when I had to pay $100 to replace a stolen wheel, but we've forged on. Until I locked it to the porch this winter.

Not really a smart idea, actually. Given that it's the Midwest and therefore snowy and given that the porch is outside I didn't really put any forethought into "what if the lock rusts shut?" Which it did.

I tried everything to remedy the situation (after discovering it two months later). It's been an epic battle. I called several bike shops for suggestions and got nowhere so I started improvising. Over the course of several weeks I tried bike chain lube then some charcoal stuff and finally I soaked everything with repeated dousings from a bottle of WD-40. All for naught. I was getting desperate. The sun was beautiful and I no longer wanted to walk everywhere.

Yesterday I gave up on the thought of salvaging the locks (I was using a combination of U-lock and steel cable to secure the bike) and went to buy a hacksaw. After explaining the situation to the clerk, I was informed that a hacksaw would snap under the pressure (kind of like what I was about to do). Alack. Also, as I explained the situation the clerk treated me more and more like an incompetent, would-be bike thief. Which I resent, given that only the first half of that is true.

So anyway, with no further options, I turned to Google.

Why was that not my first thought?

Google taught me the wonder that is PB Penetrating Catalyst.



This stuff is AMAZING. I went to the nearby auto-shop this morning and bought a can. Within half an hour I had the bike unlocked, easy-peasy.

Then I used the rest to clean the rusty chain, spokes and assorted parts. And now I have my bike back! Thanks, PB Penetrating Catalyst!*



*Seriously though, this is the best rust remover ever. EVER.

The Summer Ends

So, there's this boy.

Well, no. That's a misleading way to put it, really.

There's a guy I see on my morning commute. A new guy. And I just want to cut him off on my bike and ask if he's aware of the legal ramifications of accidental drug trafficking because I'd guess they're still pretty severe. I'd like to give him the business card of a local lawyer (which would probably take some research and I don't actually care that much) and wish him a nice day.

But I don't want him to think I'm odd.

I'm like, 82% sure he's a bike messenger. At least, he sort of looks like a bike messenger.



More or less. My Google Ninja skills sort of failed me so this was the best mental image I could come up with. Actually he sort of looks like A-ron but less social and with a chest length beard. Anyway. So obviously it's not like that. Also a bright yellow bike and yellow sunglasses. Standard bike messenger attire, no?

I don't believe there are any bike messenger offices near our place and this guy always goes into a building across from the grocery store. Thus I assume he works out of that office building. And since it's clearly not an actual bike messenger dispatch place and equally obvious that most businesses in the neighborhood are actually drug fronts (except possibly the library) he must clearly be delivering illicit packages. Clearly. And that sort of makes me feel bad for him. And then I remember where I'm going (work, at least for the next few days) and suddenly it looks like he got the better end of the stick.

And as I was recounting this tale of woe to an anonymous coworker, it struck me that I think I remember reading about some bike messengers who did deliver drugs. So case closed.

At the Bottom of Everything

This week owned me, it kicked my ass in every imaginable way. It was very sad for all involved. And now it's over. So maybe karma can cut me a break?

How did my week suck? Let me count the ways:
1. Work. My cube assignment was moved into uncharted territory, far from the people who have made Monday through Friday bearable. It takes me about three months to fully warm up to new people and I only have two months left. I imagine that everyone around me thinks I'm weird which is unfair because I am clearly the normal one. Also the keyboard was filthy! I felt like Monk cleaning it out. Gross.

2. Arienette. Some jackass-douchebag-motherfucker stole my bike's back wheel. What the fuck?! Really?! What the hell are you going to do with a tire? I've been imagining revenge scenarios since Wednesday. I am not a forgiving person. Especially considering that it's going to cost me around $130 to replace the damned thing. That's twice what I originally paid for the thing! Not cool. Part of the issue is keeping it as a fixed gear/non-coasting bike.

Side note: I know this is probably a ridiculous thing to do. Culturally, I mean. But like the author of Stuff White People Like, I can't seem to help myself. It's kind of like driving a stick shift car, more control and more fun. And since I'd pay later to change it back, I might as well get it done right the first time. Provided the shop I took it to can figure out the logistics. I sort of suspect it's a drug front.

3. Fortunately I found a reduced price Saturday ticket to Lollapalooza. I didn't really plan to go at all this year since $80/day seems steep to pay for an event. (I understand the arguments of dividing per band you see, etc but it's still $80 down). Also I don't really like festivals since I end up hot and gross feeling, dislike portapotties and get sunburned just thinking about no cloud coverage. However, it's my birthday weekend and I have a boatload of SPF 50 leftover from Pitchfork.

The urge to see CSS, creative budgeting and the desire to have a Friday off work tempted me to get a Friday ticket as well. Even after the bike incident of '08 I thought I could maybe swing the entrance fee. Of course, I made my final decision at 2:30 am Friday after going out Thursday night. By which time tickets were sold out. I blame Radiohead.

4. All the little things you don't think about that go wrong on an every day basis but suddenly develop significance when larger things fuck up. Examples: missing the bus, losing newly purchased items, late payment charges, sudden shift to genuinely hot/humid summer weather that I dislike, etc.

5. Deleted for personal reasons.

6. Missing the vast majority of Shark Week because I didn't realize it was happening. Fortunately we have On Demand and I caught parts of the Top 10 Deadliest Sharks, How to Not Get Bit, Dirty Jobs: Greenland something Shark.


*The (Liz) Lemon Shark-My New Favorite

I feel like there was something else but I forget. I know this is all very whiny. IDC.

Today ought to be better. Devotchka, Okkervil River, Wilco and Mason Jennings for sure. Probably some other stuff. We'll just have to wait and see.

Indeed!

P.S. I have been listening to the new Black Kids album all week and wish to amend any prior statements I may have made. It is awesome! Especially the song Love Me Already. I really like how the music mirrors the lyrics. Also the new Conor Oberst song Danny Callahan is also fun and awesome.

We Have to Take the Car...

I <3 my bike. It's a fun and functional way to navigate the streets of Chicago.



Arienette (my bike) kind of looks like that but fewer doodads on it (like tire guards and gears). I had to go all the way to the suburbs to buy it which meant that by the time I got to the guy's house I would have pretty much bought anything. No way was I going home empty handed. So even though I could barely ride a fixed gear bike at the time, I was determined to learn.

The progress was slow but steady. I eventually made a few modifications like getting rid of the world's most uncomfortable bike seat ever and adding a bell. And then winter came and like the wuss I am I retired Arienette in favor of not dying in a slushy gutter.

Sadly, last weekend tragedy struck. Long story short, my back tire went now flat. Last time I had that issue with a bike people started stealing it bit by bit. True story, people are jerks. And even though Sarah was kind enough to find me a seller on Craigslist with a tallbike for sale ($200-cheap!) I decided to suck it up and wheel my baby across the sidewalk for a repair.

The downside of having Arienette good as new means I have no justification to pursue this:


(the bike, obviously, not the rider-ha!)







Which is sad because as some of you know, I have wanted to ride a tall bike forever. Or at least since I first read this:





Courtesy of Nothing Nice to Say.

Although my birthday is coming up...