Tuesday, August 12, 2008

One for the Shareholders

So I don't know if you have ever found yourself in this position but I have unwittingly become witness to a tragic triangle of love. It would be awkward if it weren't so exciting.

Our cast:

(not their real pictures but close enough)

Here are the facts:

Sarah Jane-looks vaguely like Sarah Jessica Parker in real life. She shows up at the bus stop first having sold her Toyota Prius as part of a New Year's resolution. On stressful days she's running to make it as the bus pulls up. Either way she waits until she's seated and en route to do her makeup. This is how I know that she's not coming from her place. She majored in Comparative Lit at U of M (a lifetime ago-her words) and now works as a Realtor.

James-(doesn't really look like the dad from Gossip Girl) An aging hipster type. Coming from the same direction, he usually shows up a couple minutes after Sarah Jane, parking his Mini Cooper illegally to run into the Starbucks around the corner for his morning coffee (black with two packets of Splenda I suspect). He's the sort of person who's forever out of coffee filters which conveniently gives him an excuse to see Sarah Jane one last time before heading off to teach at Columbia College.

That's what I can tell just by looking at them. After extended observation I've also concluded:

-Sarah Jane sold James his condo. This is how they originally met. It's where they stay during the week (they rarely meet on the weekends, her decision, unless its at a laundromat in her neighborhood). She actually sabotaged the original closing for reasons she can't explain. Sarah Jane would never EVER refer to anything as fate. However, after three years she is ambivalent about the apartment.

-Even though James loves music (mostly old Dischord stuff and secretly the new Panic at the Disco album) they only listen to NPR together. Sarah Jane will never admit she hates This American Life. James listens to Click and Clack only out of habit.

-James has never had chicken pox. Sarah Jane has a scar on the back of her right calf just below the knee. She thinks no one has ever seen it but she is wrong. James often finds himself drawing it in constellations at work.

-Except for the Velvet Underground box set (for Sarah Jane) and a pair of reindeer socks (for James to wear to his uncle's funeral) they don't exchange gifts even after three years. He went to a wedding with her once for her college roommate. It was the only time they've ever fought.

-Sarah Jane secretly dreams of having kids. Usually fraternal twins. She blames this on being an only child. On the days when the longing is particularly bad she cancels on James and watches terrible movies like The Jane Austin Book Club. She hates these movies with an unrivaled passion. Watching them is her way of punishing herself.

-James watches four hours of the Weather Channel on the weekends. He doesn't dream of traveling anywhere. Two months after he graduated from college he woke up in Tulsa, OK with a guitar and two pairs of jeans in a back pack. He has no recollection of how he got there and left two hours later on a bus to Chicago. He now owns 2743 CDs and 432 records.

-James also loves to dance. Sarah Jane likes Wii Bowling.

-On the Wednesday nights James and Sarah Jane watch Fraggle Rock clips on Youtube and play Gin Rummy until 1 am. It's the best night of the week.

The plot thickens:

Bianca-James' serious girlfriend. Currently pursuing a masters degree at his alma matter (University of Texas at Austin). They met at some pretentious film screening at SXSW six years ago. She doesn't understand why James hasn't proposed yet and has no clue about Sarah Jane. Despite her hopes and dreams they'll never get married because he's never going to grow up.

True story, she was in town last weekend, I saw them together at Ikea. Awkward! This is how I know that she exists and that I'm not making this stuff up even if nobody else believes me. I was right about the Ace of Cakes thing and I am right about this!

Ok, and for real the robot thing tomorrow.


Anonymous said...

YOU ARE CAR-RAZE-EEEEEEEEE. That's how it's pronounced.

Anyway, his name is RUFUS. That is RUFUS the hot dad. RUFUS. RUFUS. RUFUS. Oh, RUFUS.

PS I'm pretty sure that this story is from somewhere else. Where? Where could it be? OH YEAH, Gossip Girl.

Cynthia said...

What's the Ace of Cakes thing?

I loves you.